I think it's because I am exhausted... but that seems to be a good condition for near or sub-levels thoughts coming forth in bursts of unprecedented confusion.
I feel like Santa Barbara isn't real. Well, obviously, it is. But I feel like everything besides myself... that is, everyone I know, everything I did that didn't carry over (I can bagpipe-carried over. peet's habit-not)... it feels like it happened to a character in a book. It will be very strange to find that I am that character and I have this whole life on the other side of the world where the only missing piece is... me. I mean, in terms of having a whole life set up, and I have just been plucked out of that character's life, and put over here in Europe with one suitcase and a laptop.
I have grown more as a person here that at any other time in my life. I don't want to embrace the sedentary sort of ideology of adulthood, but I feel more adult than I ever have before. And it is a deep transition, not just in habits or responsibilities, though certainly those helped...
And it's not complete. People grow all the time. But I feel like somehow I have developed as a person more in the past few months than ever before, and in a more complete, rounded way. My perspectives have altered, my perceptions have opened... it makes me want more, to see more, know more, travel more... I have always wanted that, but now that I am doing it, I realize it is in fact a wonderful thing. And vacationing is not like living somewhere, even if it is just for a couple months. And I think none of this would have happened so fully, so richly, or so efficiently, if at all, if I had not been so wholly alone.
I think I will go back and fall right back into accepting most of my old life... but I feel a whole new practicality. And being torn from so many of my favourite hobbies and creative endeavours, opportunities for legitimate advancement even, and being in this world where my only obligations are a couple essays and experiencing as much as possible, I am most excited to start doing all the things I have always wanted to. I have been waiting, resting, thinking, adapting, but as my summer (which has really lasted half the year) draws to a close... it is time for action.
As much as some thing have changed, I actually feel more like myself than I have since I left home. I have had time to delve into all the different selves and memories and passions that comprise me and even if taking action is limited right now, I have explored them in consideration... (I have no idea if that makes sense outside my mind. Oh heavens.). I feel like coming here has only helped to fill in blank spots in a pre-existing mould, so rather than morphing or changing, I have just grown, filling out as a person in just the right way that I am meant to... I suppose that gets into fate and all sorts of existential ramblings and it's certainly a matter of perspective, but regardless or cause, effect, fate, meaning, or lack of it... that is how I feel.
I love being here so very much, but I know I have to go back. It will be strange seeing all my family and friends in person again, because they feel like sitcom characters I sometimes talk to online or on the phone. Not real people. Alright, I know I'm tired, so it's really not as dramatic as I might be making it or as long-winded per se, but these are still things I'm thinking about. And I can't wait to go back home and see it with fresh eyes... I wonder what I will think...
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Rambling Rambling Apartment Planning & Future
The weather here is mildly insane. It's great.
I am feeling to settled and peaceful... it's almost a shame I'm leaving England in a little over a month. BUT I must, I must, as staying the full year would not only horribly upset some people back home, but would also severely disable my "three years, two degrees, and study abroad" plan. And honestly, as much as I love school and value it immensely... I could have dropped out of high school to pursue what I want to professionally. I still want a PhD, however, so I'll have to figure that out. Also, med school and law school are tantalizingly tempting... but completely irrelevant. Perhaps someday. Anyway, point is, I logistically cannot stay here. BUT I can go back, finish school, and return here. I do not intend on a static solely-US domestic situation.
I would also like to officially share for the first time my intention, upon my having the money for it, to rent a cottage in Ireland, by myself, for at least a month. Do do nothing in but breathe, walk, and write. As remote as possible. In (preferably Western) Ireland.
I'm also going to Mongolia. But then again I'm planning on going most everywhere (literally. A kid from Serbia the other day thought I was kidding. He said, "Even Serbia?!" I said "yes"), so I won't get into that.
At any rate, I'm ballooning off-topic over here, and the topic was.... um.... hmmm.... let's see... Ah yes, you may not see the connection here, but all that above is leading to: my apartment.
As much as I wholly adore with every ounce of myself being here, I can't help but horribly miss California in a lot of ways. Including Santa Barbara. Primarily Santa Barbara, actually. I've loved it deeply for almost ten years now, and still do. Plus, though England (and especially London-- phwoar) is so utterly, intoxicatingly fantastic, I can't allow myself to really settle here. Much the same as summer when I could not really settle in Santa Barbara because I was leaving for England... but when I return, the prodigal debutante, I get to settle in for at least a year and a half. Which is sizable enough for me to create the best apartment I could hope for. Given my current (and sizable) budget limitations, of course.
I've been planning this, and my outifts at home, ever seen I got here. It's the most exciting part of my future I can try to foresee at the moment. Besides going to Paris, which I am afraid will wholly outshine even London, and I won't ever want to leave. We'll see. Back to point: looking for a one bedroom in downtown Santa Barbara, within about five blocks of the Transit centre, preferably between Carrillo, no farther than Arrellaga, bordered by State and Bath. This is the area I usually park in, and I like it as it feels more secure than the other side of state, and it's close to Peet's, which honestly is a huge reason I'm moving downtown. Plus, a few blocks extra walk to Urban and Natural Cafe isn't going to hurt anyone. :)
So that's the locale. In addition, I'm searching for (besides one bedroom), ideally, off-street parking, full kitchen, second storey... and I wouldn't mind (these are out there!) wood floors, on-site laundry, a fireplace/patio/balcony (interchangeable haha), and in a vintage building. Or at least a space with the potential for character... not too much, though, as I intend to make my habitation a chameleon.
My mother, who is much more of a saint than I've been giving her credit for my whole life (which is saying something, as I give her a lot of credit for that), has also proposed a Queen bed. As if being alone in a one bedroom in Santa Barbara weren't enough, I get a bed big enough that my feet won't fall over the end? Beautiful. You see, the idea is that she and my dad and whoever can come visit as use my home as a vacation space. Which is fine. More than fine, as I adore visitors, especially ones at least double my age. You have no idea how much I miss real adults. That is arguably the worst part of college...
Anyway, I plan on indulging my entertaining streak not only for these fine and lovely parental figures and their chums, but also my own darling peers. I have many delightful plans up my sleeve. Some more eccentric than others. One of my current favourite proposals is a Harold & Maude Party. Costumes required: boy, old woman, or mock-suicide victim. We'll see what else I can add to that. Unfortunately, as it is downtown and not I.V. whatever I do will be anything but raucous. Wait... I'd say that's a good thing. Small, intimate sorts of eclectic gatherings.
As for the decor... final plans pend on the space and how much drabness I'll have to compensate for, but I'm going to thoroughly consume every scrap of my mother's Verandas over Christmas break (what I'm there for anyway). This is part of the reason I want wood floors. INFINITELY classier than rental-carpet. But we'll see. I'm vair le specific, n'est-ce pas my friends?
The post important article to be found, after a sheep-skin rug, is a dining table. If I could express my love of cooking... but I can't, so I won't try. I want a sizable dining table. Preferably quirky vintage mid-century modern. Or, and I doubt I could fine this, Baroque. I am going to have seasonal centerpieces. It is going to be great.
I am also going to sew (clothes! but that's another story) my own tablecloth, napkins, probably whatever curtains I need, possibly (OK, PROBABLY) a quilt for my bed (not patchwork! ugh), and in general whatever else comes up that I can make myself. As for art... I want to paint some myself, at least more modern pieces whose techniques I am dying to experiment with. But lots of other art as well, certainly. Like I said, depends on what the space needs.
Shoes will be taken off on arrival.
I also want to scrounge about for vintage silver flatware. I intend on an IKEA run, of course, but I do want a collection of quality vintage dishes, plates, glasses, silverware, etc.
If there are facilities (i.e. patio, yard, balcony) I want to grow things. Firstly herbs like rosemary & basil, but if room and time allows also flowers and perhaps food. I doubt I'll find space for that though, which saddens me.
I am considering a fish. But then I'll have to feed it, and I want to travel a lot more... and what would I do then? We'll see. Besides I read an article that the 'carbon footprint' of a goldfish is comparably to having another phone. Not sure that would stop me. I'll plant a tree...
There is a huge list of what I intend on doing when I return. You see, last year felt like a time to get settled into the 'OMG I don't live at home' mind-set, and the past six months have been 'barely any work, just sleeping in and adventuring'. So come January... I have to actually do things. And since being in the UK, the old over-achieving self is back. Hello, high school. But better. And more. I've been rather guilted into it by myself... I mean, I have such aspirations, and while I have full confidence in myself to fulfill my dreams, I suppose I need to start working on that. I want to. I need to. I will... I'm going to go to LA a lot more (assuming I get more bagpiping gigs, which I will, because I am actually going to try. I literally cannot afford to flounce around and avoid it any longer), and I want to start auditioning for things. Legit things. I live so close, why not at least start? I am also joining Rotaract because I NEED to be involved in a the community. I'm horribly depleted from lack of charitable acts. Not to mention the goal to make more films, produce more writing, art, etc. creatively... Like I said, making money is rather important. I would also like an internship. Making a Reel Loud, too. Or two, actually. That's another story (ha!). Traveling far more. Exercising more (honestly, the rec cen and I will know each other this year). Playing volleyball, anyone interested in intramural? Working more on the clubs I am already in... of course, school. I'm on a strict plan from here on out academically to I can fulfill my scheduled-timing, but I enjoy school, and as it is currently priority #1, it will be taken care of. Hmm hmm... I want to spend more time in Montecito. I am going to put more effort into my appearance. It's hit me that given what I want to do in life, even if on principle I don't agree with it, I need to put some effort in and look more presentable than I currently do. Shame I don't want to be a librarian... I could totally pull that off. ;)
Oh dear, this is so long... I just wanted to put my apartment thoughts in writing, and off this has gone to the land of arduously lengthy... I do apologize. I could continue rambling on all this nonsense, but I have a fashion magazine to return to. And humous.
Stay in school kiddies, and be kind to your web-footed friends.
I am feeling to settled and peaceful... it's almost a shame I'm leaving England in a little over a month. BUT I must, I must, as staying the full year would not only horribly upset some people back home, but would also severely disable my "three years, two degrees, and study abroad" plan. And honestly, as much as I love school and value it immensely... I could have dropped out of high school to pursue what I want to professionally. I still want a PhD, however, so I'll have to figure that out. Also, med school and law school are tantalizingly tempting... but completely irrelevant. Perhaps someday. Anyway, point is, I logistically cannot stay here. BUT I can go back, finish school, and return here. I do not intend on a static solely-US domestic situation.
I would also like to officially share for the first time my intention, upon my having the money for it, to rent a cottage in Ireland, by myself, for at least a month. Do do nothing in but breathe, walk, and write. As remote as possible. In (preferably Western) Ireland.
I'm also going to Mongolia. But then again I'm planning on going most everywhere (literally. A kid from Serbia the other day thought I was kidding. He said, "Even Serbia?!" I said "yes"), so I won't get into that.
At any rate, I'm ballooning off-topic over here, and the topic was.... um.... hmmm.... let's see... Ah yes, you may not see the connection here, but all that above is leading to: my apartment.
As much as I wholly adore with every ounce of myself being here, I can't help but horribly miss California in a lot of ways. Including Santa Barbara. Primarily Santa Barbara, actually. I've loved it deeply for almost ten years now, and still do. Plus, though England (and especially London-- phwoar) is so utterly, intoxicatingly fantastic, I can't allow myself to really settle here. Much the same as summer when I could not really settle in Santa Barbara because I was leaving for England... but when I return, the prodigal debutante, I get to settle in for at least a year and a half. Which is sizable enough for me to create the best apartment I could hope for. Given my current (and sizable) budget limitations, of course.
I've been planning this, and my outifts at home, ever seen I got here. It's the most exciting part of my future I can try to foresee at the moment. Besides going to Paris, which I am afraid will wholly outshine even London, and I won't ever want to leave. We'll see. Back to point: looking for a one bedroom in downtown Santa Barbara, within about five blocks of the Transit centre, preferably between Carrillo, no farther than Arrellaga, bordered by State and Bath. This is the area I usually park in, and I like it as it feels more secure than the other side of state, and it's close to Peet's, which honestly is a huge reason I'm moving downtown. Plus, a few blocks extra walk to Urban and Natural Cafe isn't going to hurt anyone. :)
So that's the locale. In addition, I'm searching for (besides one bedroom), ideally, off-street parking, full kitchen, second storey... and I wouldn't mind (these are out there!) wood floors, on-site laundry, a fireplace/patio/balcony (interchangeable haha), and in a vintage building. Or at least a space with the potential for character... not too much, though, as I intend to make my habitation a chameleon.
My mother, who is much more of a saint than I've been giving her credit for my whole life (which is saying something, as I give her a lot of credit for that), has also proposed a Queen bed. As if being alone in a one bedroom in Santa Barbara weren't enough, I get a bed big enough that my feet won't fall over the end? Beautiful. You see, the idea is that she and my dad and whoever can come visit as use my home as a vacation space. Which is fine. More than fine, as I adore visitors, especially ones at least double my age. You have no idea how much I miss real adults. That is arguably the worst part of college...
Anyway, I plan on indulging my entertaining streak not only for these fine and lovely parental figures and their chums, but also my own darling peers. I have many delightful plans up my sleeve. Some more eccentric than others. One of my current favourite proposals is a Harold & Maude Party. Costumes required: boy, old woman, or mock-suicide victim. We'll see what else I can add to that. Unfortunately, as it is downtown and not I.V. whatever I do will be anything but raucous. Wait... I'd say that's a good thing. Small, intimate sorts of eclectic gatherings.
As for the decor... final plans pend on the space and how much drabness I'll have to compensate for, but I'm going to thoroughly consume every scrap of my mother's Verandas over Christmas break (what I'm there for anyway). This is part of the reason I want wood floors. INFINITELY classier than rental-carpet. But we'll see. I'm vair le specific, n'est-ce pas my friends?
The post important article to be found, after a sheep-skin rug, is a dining table. If I could express my love of cooking... but I can't, so I won't try. I want a sizable dining table. Preferably quirky vintage mid-century modern. Or, and I doubt I could fine this, Baroque. I am going to have seasonal centerpieces. It is going to be great.
I am also going to sew (clothes! but that's another story) my own tablecloth, napkins, probably whatever curtains I need, possibly (OK, PROBABLY) a quilt for my bed (not patchwork! ugh), and in general whatever else comes up that I can make myself. As for art... I want to paint some myself, at least more modern pieces whose techniques I am dying to experiment with. But lots of other art as well, certainly. Like I said, depends on what the space needs.
Shoes will be taken off on arrival.
I also want to scrounge about for vintage silver flatware. I intend on an IKEA run, of course, but I do want a collection of quality vintage dishes, plates, glasses, silverware, etc.
If there are facilities (i.e. patio, yard, balcony) I want to grow things. Firstly herbs like rosemary & basil, but if room and time allows also flowers and perhaps food. I doubt I'll find space for that though, which saddens me.
I am considering a fish. But then I'll have to feed it, and I want to travel a lot more... and what would I do then? We'll see. Besides I read an article that the 'carbon footprint' of a goldfish is comparably to having another phone. Not sure that would stop me. I'll plant a tree...
There is a huge list of what I intend on doing when I return. You see, last year felt like a time to get settled into the 'OMG I don't live at home' mind-set, and the past six months have been 'barely any work, just sleeping in and adventuring'. So come January... I have to actually do things. And since being in the UK, the old over-achieving self is back. Hello, high school. But better. And more. I've been rather guilted into it by myself... I mean, I have such aspirations, and while I have full confidence in myself to fulfill my dreams, I suppose I need to start working on that. I want to. I need to. I will... I'm going to go to LA a lot more (assuming I get more bagpiping gigs, which I will, because I am actually going to try. I literally cannot afford to flounce around and avoid it any longer), and I want to start auditioning for things. Legit things. I live so close, why not at least start? I am also joining Rotaract because I NEED to be involved in a the community. I'm horribly depleted from lack of charitable acts. Not to mention the goal to make more films, produce more writing, art, etc. creatively... Like I said, making money is rather important. I would also like an internship. Making a Reel Loud, too. Or two, actually. That's another story (ha!). Traveling far more. Exercising more (honestly, the rec cen and I will know each other this year). Playing volleyball, anyone interested in intramural? Working more on the clubs I am already in... of course, school. I'm on a strict plan from here on out academically to I can fulfill my scheduled-timing, but I enjoy school, and as it is currently priority #1, it will be taken care of. Hmm hmm... I want to spend more time in Montecito. I am going to put more effort into my appearance. It's hit me that given what I want to do in life, even if on principle I don't agree with it, I need to put some effort in and look more presentable than I currently do. Shame I don't want to be a librarian... I could totally pull that off. ;)
Oh dear, this is so long... I just wanted to put my apartment thoughts in writing, and off this has gone to the land of arduously lengthy... I do apologize. I could continue rambling on all this nonsense, but I have a fashion magazine to return to. And humous.
Stay in school kiddies, and be kind to your web-footed friends.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Weather Or Not
Sitting on this fine overcast day in my little nest snug with tea, top ramen, and Franz Ferdinand... I am revisiting a curious & recurring thought which passes my way from time to time:
Chances are, my peers, that we do not yet know those who we will love the most, and will mean the most to us in our lives. I'm pretty sure I haven't met my future husband and almost positive I haven't met my children yet.
Life is unpredictable, but it's still a curious thought.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Sleepy Self-Reflection
This isn't my England travels blog, I know, but I just thought that I ought to write this here as it pertains to the greater scope of things (by the way, apparently people actually read my other blog, which is totally crazy to me. I'm pretty sure some of them I don't even know). I feel really settled here all of a sudden. Going back to London this weekend gave me back the energy I misplaced while I acclimated. Not to mention gave me hordes of inspiration about clothes, architecture, history (pieces of the Parthenon?!), and my greater goals in the scheme of things...
Actually, the mummies also made me think a lot about death, and life, too. I was already getting pretty existential in the past few days, probably due to lack of sleep, abundance of isolated thought time, and some moon alignments or something... and then my cat died back home... which makes looking at the photos I took of the cat mummies strangely ironic and grotesque.
That's why I am excited to get back to Santa Barbara. There are things I want to do, must do, and there is no time like the present. Life is fleeting, transient, and only so much is in our control. Actually, I'm not even sure how much of my control can get me where I want to be, but I will fight for it as best and long as I am able, which I suppose is all that can be said, really.
Anyway, feeling settled, despite dreams of what I'll do when I get back (six month vacation, finally acclimated to being away from home, will the productivity of high school return? Haha I hope I have time for it all. Shit, I've been watching to much Gossip Girl... it's infiltrating my prose). I love it here, I really do. I missed things at first, obviously, because being wrenched away from everything you have ever known (except that lovely vintage cardigan from Jet Rag, and my bestie MacBook Pro) is kind of a shock to the system. I'm not one usually for overt, overwhelming, and dramatic homesickness, and this was no exception. That's not to say I did not miss things terribly though. I think not to would have done them injustice. But now I'm finally spending less time imagining the 'what I'd be doing if I were in I.V tonight or Tehachapi this morning' scenarios. I don't love it here any more than I did when I first arrived, I think, because I loved it then... I just have a more pure understanding of my presence here. And quite honestly, I am delighted. Leaving for college caused a massive suppression of self which I have been decompressing ever since. I don't know that it will ever be the same, but it's getting much better, and being here, alone, I don't have distractions. There are no pillars or screens to support or deflect my suddenly independent 'adult' (ugh that word has so many icky connotations) perceptual foibles. Obviously, being here I have changed, for even though it hasn't been long, time has passed and with it comes change... but I feel most strongly that I have only managed to focus in on myself, my priorities, my ambitions, my vision... All the inspiration hasn't come back yet in quite the way it used to, but I think like volleyball and bagpipes it just needed a break. I can't say for piping, but the hiatus certainly did wonders for my sporting skills. I feel it's best to wait, and while that's happening I'm over here bolstering the natural resources I've ignored in some subconscious plea for protection against separation and loneliness. I think the result might be the best yet, or as good as it can get when you have to be at all responsible for yourself. I'm really glad I appreciated my childhood when I had it, just like my mom told me to. She was right about a lot of things.
Except perhaps my legs. I think they are much larger than she told me they were. Oh well.
P.S.- I just reread this, and honestly, it's a lot of semi-superficial borderline-B.S. It's true, but also... really, I am always happy. There's this level... where I'm happy, I find inspiration in everything, joy in everything, a pure ecstasy, riveted in life and thought and sense... and I'm actually so damn confident I feel kind of guilty and don't talk to people about it. Because it's rude. And I'm not sure most people want to hear it. (Not that people probably want to read this, either, but hey... it's one in the morning, I need someone to talk to, n'est-ce pas?) Besides, I'm pretty sleepy right now so rambling goes on a bit. Not to say that what's up there is a trite and flippant bundle of falsehoods. It's not. It's just... I'm a hell of a lot happier than that all sounds, and it's barely a smudge on the surface, it's just caught in the reflection at the moment. And I think it's worth examining. Plus, writing practice, even if it's dithering blather doesn't hurt, I daresay.
P.P.S.- If you're wondering why I'm so tired and what all the talk was about mummies, check out the other blog because I'll be covering that soon. It's been quite a day.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Look Here, What Have We Got?
1 Go see District 9.
1.5 Think.
2 Read this article.
2.5 Presumably see this film and experience some sort of magical early 1960's charm in your life. You can keep your iphone.
http://www.refinery29.com/under_the_influence/an_education_teaches_us_a_less.php
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