Friday, March 27, 2009

(de)Compress Me

The heart machine is beeping again.

I had to put myself in a box. In life, just like computer systems, it is easier to deal with changes (or files) when they are smaller… compressed. I had not really realized it, or at least the extent of it, but when I went to college I compressed a lot of myself. Didn’t lose it, or change it, just put it away in a snug little box and hid it away until I could bring it out and put it away in the context of my new life.

I must be acclimated, then, because that box is opening. I’m very excited… I feel inspired again. I love life like I do. I won’t say used to, because that makes it sound like I stopped. I didn’t stop, I just locked it away. This quarter should be interesting. I’m feeling like myself again, and I must be ready because any time before this that it started to peer forth from its dark (but comfortably appointed) cave I felt a loss… but it’s not a loss, just a transition. And I’m happy to say that I didn’t lose anything on the way… I’m still pretty much the same person I was when I was eight. Only more. I’m proud of that.

I’ve been under spiritual Novocaine since September, maybe a little before in preparation. Maybe the operation is over because I think I’m waking up in recovery right now. Can I get some jello?

HomeComing

It’s strange, being home after such a long time of being away. I feel completely at ease, just myself again, surrounded by everything I’ve known my whole life. Most of it is nearly exactly the same as when I left. There are a few more stores that have opened, a few that have closed. This economy has kept a lot of the town stagnant… still the same the small town. But Subway has moved across the street.

I walked into Save Mart today, the store I have spent more time in than any other public space besides Disneyland. Which is saying a lot. There are more people I don’t recognize, and who don’t recognize me, than I remember. Of course, their strange looks probably stemmed from the skin tight black lame (lam-ay) covering my legs. I guess that look hasn’t hit Tehachapi yet. Or I look like an idiot.

The girl who checked us out went to school with me when I was little. I’ve known her since I was five. I haven’t liked her since I was six, and she refused to play kittens with us anymore at lunch. She was a year older, so obviously I should have known she was too cool for that. She is, in fact, so cool that she works as a check out girl at Save Mart, in Tehachapi. I don’t mean to belittle that… I know almost everyone who works there and there are mostly very wonderful people… but it just strikes me as sad that her whole life is ahead of her and this is what she’s doing with it. I must be very lucky. On the bright side, she’s been promoted since last summer. Way to go, Kaci!

I saw one of my dearest friends’ cousins today. He also works at Save Mart. He’s very friendly and about a billion feet tall. I remember one time we all, the three of us, went to Disneyland together. That was a strange day, but he was very funny. I’m glad he’s still nice to me. I miss some things, sometimes, but life changes. Save Mart, fortunately for my sense of comfort, hasn’t. Much.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Ex Golden Hair

My dad apparently dated a girl that America wrote a song about. 

"Sister Golden Hair" anyone?

My dad is, once again, the coolest person I know.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

There Is A God

ALERT ALERT ALERT

Photobucket



JACK WHITE HAS A NEW BAND.

And I like them.

Of course.

New Direction Here I Come.


Sunday, March 8, 2009

Melancholy Interest and Societal Point

Family, Fate and the Finale of Will and Grace


“So, what did you think?” It's the question that friends and colleagues greeted us with in the days following the final Will & Grace episode. Thanks to a journal article that we authored in the series' early years,1 those asking were looking for more than the typical water cooler answer. Imagine how taken aback they were when we replied: “It's Tivo'd. Haven't watched it yet.” Truth be told, since completing our original essay we have not really “thought” much about the program. However, we knew that we couldn't approach this final episode with the same sense of detachment with which we'd approached recent seasons.

How sadly ironic that as we fired up our Tivos to discuss the final episode of this gay-friendly show, political leaders were once again debating an anti-gay marriage amendment. Yes, GLAAD's headline proclaimed that the amendment was “resoundingly defeated,”2 but a 49-48 Senate vote indicates that politicians seeking re-election found it safest to align with Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who proclaimed, “Marriage between one man and one woman does a better job protecting children better than any other institution humankind has devised.”3 At least we could take solace in the fact that Will & Grace's final episode was redefining marriage and family. Or, was it?

This last episode revolved around a glimpse into the futures of our four main characters. Of key concern would be finally resolving the delayed consummation plot device that remained central to the program throughout its tenure. In fact, the delayed consummation relationship between Will and Grace served as the raison d'etre of the series creation: create an insurmountable barrier to romance to avoid the ever worrisome post-consummation ratings drop. In the final episode, we get two imaginations of how this situation will resolve itself in the future, one monstrous and the other a dewy eyed fulfillment of the characters' “fates”.


The monstrous is presented to us at the beginning of the episode in the form of Grace's nightmare. A very pregnant Grace sleeps on Will's sofa after they have decided to raise her child together. In the dream, Will and Grace have morphed into the very worst versions of themselves–Will a pudgy, balding gay man (two fears stereotypically associated with gay men), and Grace an overweight, bitter hag trying to hold on to her youth through ridiculous fashion choices (paging Bridget Jones). The son they chose to raise together is a surly troublemaker. Their normally fastidiously clean and decorated apartment has grown worn and dirty. An attempt to play “Password,” a clear reference to the first episode, leads to a recognition that they are dried up, bitter shrews whose attempt to redefine the idea of family has ruined their lives. When giving Grace clues for the new password, Will ends up saying in a flat voice “Our souls. Our hopes and dreams,” to which Grace correctly responds, “Things that are crushed.”

Once Grace awakes from her dream, we witness the events leading up to the “real” resolution. When Leo–Grace's ex-husband and father of her child–turns up, Grace leaves for Rome. The show gives us a time advance of two years, in which we see Will and Grace leading separate, but virtually parallel, lives: Grace and Leo raising their daughter, Lyla, and Will and Vince raising Will's biological son, Ben. While we applaud Will & Grace for presenting a well-adjusted family with two dads at the helm, like much about the program, the queer potential of this representation is constrained by sitcom conventions. Happy, heteronormal nuclear family units abound, but cannot intertwine. We learn that our favorite twosome have not spoken in two years.

Despite the comic attempts of Jack and Karen to bring Will and Grace back together, our central dyad, now separately cocooned in new dyads, cannot connect. But this is a sitcom, so of course, there had to be some way for Will and Grace to finally get together. Here we come to the most heteronormal ending imaginable, a marriage between Will and Grace's children. Just to clarify that Lyla and Ben are unmistakably surrogates to Will and Grace, we are presented with a scene that first appears as a flashback to Will and Grace's initial meeting in college, preceded by Will and Grace's separate meditations on their shared belief that their relationship was fated to be. After they both dismiss the hand of fate, we find a young red-headed woman and dark-haired man moving across the hall from each other in a college dorm. As they both make jokes completely in keeping with the main characters' personalities, we are led to see them as younger versions of Will and Grace. It is only after the two express an instant attraction to each other that they introduce themselves, and we learn that we are not flashing back but forward to the initial meeting between Will and Grace's progeny, Lyla and Ben.


The apparently straight hand of fate has finally resolved the relationship between Will and Grace through this surrogate consummation. The ending was offered to a mainstream audience as a satisfying and palatable conclusion, because it left untouched the central structure of the program as well as the tried, but true, romantic sitcom finale formula. Even we could not predict such a relentlessly heteronormalizing end for the program, and six seasons ago, we had spent 20 pages piling on evidence to “prove” that the show was, in fact, heteronormative, despite all the critical acclaim it originally received (remember all those Emmys, Golden Globes, People's Choice, and GLAAD awards?). At least we could feel vindicated in our original arguments about the show.

Thankfully, Will & Grace was never a two-person show, but featured a second key dyad: Jack and Karen. While we originally argued that their subversive potential was limited by their infantilization within the familial structure of the sitcom, we couldn't help but love them, and are more cautious to condemn the resolution of their characters' storylines. In the finale, Jack and Karen swap co-dependent roles, with Jack coming into money and Karen losing hers. The two grow old together, noting that their relationship with each other has outlasted any with husbands or lovers.


Yes, we recognize that these two characters are still infantilized in this final episode. Yes, we also acknowledge that these, the most “deviant,” characters of the show are unable to find successful romantic relationships, and, yes, in becoming caretakers for Rosario, they're positioned as the third nuclear family unit in the program. Despite this, Jack and Karen come closest to reimagining family in a non-heternormative way, in part because their resolution draws the most attention to the constructed nature of family. Additionally, in Grace's initial dream, while she and Will become frumpy, bitter life partners, Jack and Karen find happiness in their own relationships, with Jack marrying Kevin Bacon and Karen marrying a butched-up Rosario. Although this resolution could only happen in a dream sequence, it provides a delicious moment to reimagine the world through the eyes of the queerest, and most “unforgettable” characters of the show.4

Now that network television has closed this chapter in its short book of sexual diversity, we're left wondering what next “groundbreaking” show to move onto. Perhaps it will be one of the new network television programs from this past season with leading gay characters, like ABC's Crumbs, or CBS's Out of Practice. Oh, that's right, they've already been canceled. Vindication is not so great after all.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

On My Comment Card to the Dining Commons, I wrote:

There once was a pizza named Pesto,
Who kids devoured with gusto;
but then one day,
they all had to say:
My God, why is he not at Carrillo?!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Gugliar- To Google

There is a new result if you google me.

I have at least a full page.

I'm proud of that.

Also, it's a very diverse collection:

Bagpipes
Acting
Volleyball
Jr. Miss
UCSB

I'm definitely proud of that.

J'aime vivre.

Floor Thoughts

I am sitting on Julia's floor.
I have worked on schoolwork for the past eight hours straight.
That might be a record, even for me.
But I think I've edited much longer than that.
Which is part of how I know what I want to do with my life.
Julia's trashcan smells terrible.
I am too lazy to distance myself from it.
It is a foot away from my face, as I am sitting on the floor.
Why do I always use 'lazy' when I know that I'm not?
I think because I think it will make other people, lazy people, feel better.
Do I care?
Yes, I want people to be happy.
Do I care what most people think of me?
Usually, no. But only as long as the majority's consensus is an honest one. I am not something I am not.
This is getting too emo for me.
The trashcan honestly smells to high heaven.
How does she not notice this?