That said, I feel guilty for having this and torn about writing for it because as much as I have thought of what I could possibly blog about, the only thing I can consistently have an opinion on is me. It's a topic I am passionate about, but I wouldn't want to impose it upon others. I'll think of something else eventually, I am sure. Actually, I have a better idea waiting in the wings, but it will be a surprise (hopefully a pleasant one) if it ever comes to fruition.
I have had the craziest month in years. And to my great surprise I am actually happier now than I was then, because I thought that a month ago I was pretty damn happy with life. Well, surprise!
A few recent thoughts: I suspect I am far more immature and less wise than I had suspected. It's difficult to gauge, naturally, but for the most part I am perplexed as to whether or not I am quite who I thought in regards to those two qualities. Fortunately, I am vair vair le young and have the rest of my life to build up both. C'est la vie. We do our best, and who cares what others think or throw at you?
I am still so far from acclimated to college. My ambition and activity drives are on hiatus. This is, I suspect, mostly a side-effect of summer. If it's not, I am going to make it just that.
On a theme, the most disgusting point I will address in today's segment of "What is She Thinking About Herself... and also Fashion and Jack White" (which is what my blog should be named), I was partially disgusted with the film Julie and Julia. It was cute, I guess. Meryl Streep was fantastic and immediately inspired me to try to talk like Julia Child (to myself) the entire drive back to my house. Amy Adams, though... nothing at all against her as an actress, but that character... I felt so far removed from her. I did not relate to it in the slightest. I did not have to, of course, but it just reminded of what someone said to me about liking her best in the film because she was just "so normal... like a real person".
She is not like a real person I want to be. It's hard to explain and I do not think I have ever conveyed fully it to anyone, besides perhaps my mother, and when I try I think I just come across as a hideously self-centered bitch, but I want more than that. Yes, so do most people, I think. I know even if I do not achieve what I think I want, I will be happy, because I have never truly been depressed about life as a whole (thank goodness) and as far as I can tell I am highly optimistic (and if all else fails perception is key to everything).
In an airplane the other day one of the men in front of me complained that Tiger Woods was not playing up to par (bahaha) at a tournament (in some delightful locale like Minnesota, I think). The man beside him told him, unabashedly and free of any disappointment in the golfing prodigy, "I think we all want our heroes to fail sometimes... makes them more human, makes us think maybe we can be like them." I think, NO. Maybe it's just me, but if you need your hero to fail to believe you can be like them, you probably aren't the sort of person to be like that anyway. Now, I already see a barrage of complaints to this in my own mind, and I won't get into that now, but regardless, why not strive for the utmost pinnacle of what you want? Because if even if you fail, you tried. Even if you fail on the path, you will be closer, and if you're aiming as high as anyone possibly could, there's a good chance you'll fail farther up than most people. And regardless, if you don't want it that much, and that high a quality of it, and you don't go after the best you can, you might as well not bother because it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am aiming as high as I can (in many many fields, actually, but I don't think breadth affects any of this), and I know in one respect at least that even if I never get farther than Step A that my life is worth it because I started the road and knew my destination was the only one true to myself and true to what I want from the short time on the planet allotted to me and anyone. I feel like I am going all Disney with this, but don't let anyone put a damper on what you want or your belief in getting there. Don't let them pressure you away from your truth, if you are lucky enough to know what it is, because I some people I have talked to haven't found theirs yet. I hope they do. Of course, my own goals make change at any time, but whatever the new ones are I will follow them with this same conviction, and if I don't, I am a different person by then and it won't matter anyway.
None of what I just said is new... it is how I have always felt. I just have to remind myself from time to time and today I am doing it for posterity.
Also, I am seeing Jack White tomorrow, and It Might Get Loud is playing soon at a local theater, and I am going uh 'home' soon (I'll try to explain that one soon... seeing as I have never been to the home I mean), and I am going to start doing more community service soon, and I still not wearing a top. I am so fucking happy.
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